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Lacking Inspiration and Motivation

11/04/2011

I aspire to be an artist. This is probably about the only aspiration that I have in life, other than to get married and have kids (these ideals pretty much destroy each other as to be an artist is to be free – an artist does whatever inspires them – whereas being a mother and a wife demands commitment and being tied down to the mundane and everyday) but whenever I sit down to paint or draw or whatever, I draw a complete blank. All I want to do is create something wonderful but there is so much that I could do with what is in front of me that there is absolutely nothing at all. To others, this may make no sense, but maybe to other creative people, this probably hits close to home.

It’s not only in art that this happens – in life, too. I’m at a point where I feel like there is nothing left to do or be inspired by. Nothing is original; everything has been done. Everything is just a replica of some other thing, no-one is unique, nothing is new.

I’m not even inspired to read anymore. It’s just words on a page.

I feel like there isn’t really a point to getting out of bed in the morning – or whenever I wake up, I’ve actually taken to waking up at like twelve in the morning (as in midnight for the mentally challenged) and going to bed at like four in the afternoon – because there is nothing interesting or inspiring to do. This often leads me to spend all day in bed browsing the internet and playing the Xbox. What a great and productive life I’m leading. I’m supposed to be a great artist or an author or something; instead, I’m living my life on Memebase.

I always say to myself, ‘maybe I’ll go for a walk today’ but I can’t even be motivated to get dressed. I can’t even be motivated or inspired to think.

This is just the problem though. I am uninspired and unmotivated. There is no inspiration to motivate me and no motivation to inspire me. Nothing at all. I may as well not exist or be a cabbage or something. At least then I would be eaten, thus serving some purpose.

I hope this ends soon. I need to get a job, but there is nothing in the world that I want to do (other than to be an artist and no-one knows who I am and I’m not even that good, so that’s out) and I’m not motivated enough to even turn up to a job that I don’t want to do. I’m not a ‘people person’ so any social jobs (which is pretty much every job out there) are out of the question. I’m only eighteen and I can already feel my life  and the life inside me being drained away.

And I just have no energy – at all.

I feel like, even if I sleep for eight hours, or nine hours, or ten hours, or however many hours, I just feel tired all the time. I swear this isn’t normal. I’m not even motivated enough to commit myself to the fact that I am pathetic. I’m pathetically indifferent.

This entry is even lacking in motivation and inspiration resulting in a dull piece. Oh, well.

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From → Personal

2 Comments
  1. A cabbage? Then you would turn into someone’s farts. That would be sort of funny. But seriously, I am just happy to realize you have all these other posts dating back to the beginning of November. How cool is that for me? I’m sorry you are sad and feel your life is over, sort of. Have you always been a bit sad? I got to thinking about why I “hate” people, and realized it’s usually the people who love others the most who wind up as misanthropes, like JD Salinger or Raold Dhal. The pain of seeing what people are capable of doing to each other can be maddening.

    I relate to your sadness. As for my own, I have spent my whole life trying to wrestle it into some brand of beauty that wouldn’t terrify people. I hope your blog is helping with yours. People love your stuff. My husband was impressed. It made me cry as I stood at my kitchen window, hearing him say what a great voice you had, and noticing how much work you put into your pieces. I’m thinking of you, this young woman suffering to find yourself, and us, these silly people so far away being enchanted by your bees and pigeons. Life is weird. Earlier today a cool woman with a Norwegian husband told me that weird actually meant “being alive”. I hope she’s right.

  2. That’s so cool, about the word weird 😀 There’s also an archaic definition of it as destiny or fate. I think it’s so interesting how language changes :> Being a fart would be kinda fun, I mean, you’d be all floaty and stuff. I suppose your existence would be so short lived that it would be really precious to you, in that you’d make the most of it (this sounds really romantic, I forget we are talking about farts here…). The earlier posts aren’t as good as the more recent ones ahah, just because I didn’t really know what I was doing and which direction to go in etc (I still don’t think I know ahah) but I guess it’s something to read and will keep you busy for a while :>. Yeah I’ve always been quite sad, but I revel in my own misery so it’s all good :> I think that makes a lot of sense :/ I think I’m kind of like that in that while I really really don’t like people, I’m always considerate of them and their feelings. I don’t really know, I wish people could be better than they are. There’s so much wasted potential (I’m including myself in this, naturally) that will probably never be realised with the human race and the natures of the people. I loved Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye, I felt that I could really relate to Holden. One of my best friends, when they read it, said that they hated the character and felt that he was just a horrible person. It’s interesting that people have different opinions. I like that :>. I’m glad that you can relate to this. My blog is helping quite a lot actually, more than I ever thought it would. I hope yours (I just had a grammar meltdown and thought that yours should have an apostrophe. Apparently, it doesn’t) is, too! I can’t understand why you love mine when yours is so much better D: Your style of writing is just incredible, really. Your posts really make me think and sometimes it takes me a while to actually digest, but I really like that! I’m touched that you feel so strongly, I really really am and I can’t stress that enough. It makes me so happy to know that! I’ll find myself eventually, hopefully, I guess I still have a lot of time left which creates some potential. You aren’t at all silly, it really helps knowing that you are, as you say, enchanted by them – I mean who isn’t enchanted by bees and pigeons! Thank you so much :D, both you and your husband!

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